When someone we trust to uphold our best interests hurts us deeply the last thing we want to do is forgive them. Instead, we lean into feelings of anger, resentment, vengeance, injustice and sorrow firmly believing that we are justified in so doing. These emotions have a part to play in our recovery, however, moving past them enables us to make better decisions and secure better outcomes.
Forgiveness is a process not the flicking of a switch. When you’re ready to make your wellbeing more important than their wrongdoing consider the following:
Healthy Release – Work with your emotions and find a safe way of releasing them.
Some options:
Engaging in exercise, punching cushions, cranking up the music, talking to a trusted friend. What works for you?
Forgive Yourself - We do the best we can with the knowledge and experience we have at the time.
Dwelling on what we should or should not have done keeps us stuck so forgive yourself for any perceived transgressions and move forward.
Regain Control – Forgiving your ex does not benefit them. It diminishes their ability to control your reactions and empowers you to start taking control of your life and respond to their actions in ways that benefit you
Gratitude may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you find yourself all at sea in an old boat, battered by the winds of disappointment with uncertainty looming on the horizon and no rescue vessels in sight. And yet, even in these most challenging of times, you will find that there are things to be grateful for.
If you are struggling to find the positives in your current situation try one of the following:
Gratitude List – Each day take a few minutes to make a list of those things that have made that day more manageable, more enjoyable or more hopeful. If you find this difficult just start with one thing each day and build up.
Gratitude Awareness – Become aware of opportunities to exercise gratitude: thank others often, return the smile of a stranger, notice the beauty in nature or acknowledge a kind word or deed that lifts your spirits even if only for a fleeting moment. Good things are always coming our way even when we are not in the best place to receive them.
Gratitude Journaling – Journaling can be cathartic and can help to re-frame our landscape. Taking a little time at the end of each day to focus on the good things, no matter how small, helps to calm the mind and open the gateway to a brighter future.
Working with forgiveness and gratitude will not transform your situation over-night, they are tools in your recovery tool-kit, and learning to use them effectively will help to ease the pain and discomfort and move you along at a faster pace.
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